Today, I cried on the Amtrak.... and then throughout the day and right now as I make this post (after two Tito's and soda w/lime-not that my drink of choice has anything to do with this post. But for real, it is a winner and probably the only positive part of this story).
It started off as an amazing day. We got to the train station to board for our very first train excursiom after Benjamin randomly asked me this week if we could go ride the train.
In true Benjamin fashion, he instantly befriended the almost 2 year old girl across the aisle from us. So, they had been playing together for about 2 hours when her dad decided it was time for her to take a nap. Y'all, she threw a fit! We all know the type - screaming, fighting, pushing you away, etc. He was so calm with her (calmer than I would have been probably), and even moved to the middle of the train where no one was sitting to lessen what everyone around him could hear with her fuss. She put up a good fight for about 5 minutes before giving in, and they came back to their seats across from us. Once he got her situated, I calmly said "good job, dad". He smiled and shook his head like "man, this girl..." And then I turned away and lost it.
Why did my son have to lose his dad at 10 months old? Why couldn't my son have actually experienced a relationship with his father like this little girl will have with hers?
Trying to clear my mind this evening, I start scrolling through Facebook, and one of the first posts I see is this:
It started off as an amazing day. We got to the train station to board for our very first train excursiom after Benjamin randomly asked me this week if we could go ride the train.
In true Benjamin fashion, he instantly befriended the almost 2 year old girl across the aisle from us. So, they had been playing together for about 2 hours when her dad decided it was time for her to take a nap. Y'all, she threw a fit! We all know the type - screaming, fighting, pushing you away, etc. He was so calm with her (calmer than I would have been probably), and even moved to the middle of the train where no one was sitting to lessen what everyone around him could hear with her fuss. She put up a good fight for about 5 minutes before giving in, and they came back to their seats across from us. Once he got her situated, I calmly said "good job, dad". He smiled and shook his head like "man, this girl..." And then I turned away and lost it.
Why did my son have to lose his dad at 10 months old? Why couldn't my son have actually experienced a relationship with his father like this little girl will have with hers?
Trying to clear my mind this evening, I start scrolling through Facebook, and one of the first posts I see is this:
Will my sweet little boy ever get this? Will I find someone willing to fill those shoes in every capacity, who is ready to step up to the plate? I can't settle for less. Every little boy needs a man in his life to be that role model for him.
I heard this song for the first time soon after Ronnie passed, and it has stuck with me. This is what I pray for my little man.
One day, I hope he has someone to be able to call "dad" and to teach him about life in a way only another man can.
I have been an emotional hot mess, constantly thinking about this today. In 3 weeks, it will mark 3 years since I lost my husband and my son's father. I've recently started dating someone that had led to me probably talking about my husband more in the last month than I have in the last 2.75 years before that combined. It has brought up emotions that I've tried to suppress for so long about how much I wish Benjamin was able to grow up with a dad.
I feel like I'm finally ready to make myself vulnerable in ways I have baracaded for so long, so y'all wish me luck...
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